It's the second week of January, and most of us are reloading like it's Halo. Christmas outfits are still being flaunted. New Year's Resolutions remain unbroken.
Complete your attempt at starting fresh with a new ringtone. Google how to make your own.
Here's some tracks guaranteed to make you over as you're picking up. Don't be that person with the Simple Plan ringtone in line at the show.
Kaci Brown - Like 'Em Like That For: Fearless, aggressive straight chicks and queens. The song opens with a mall-guitar chord, and then Kaci - every bit as horny as Britney and Xtina tried to be - breathes, 'Looking for single, hot gorgeous boys.' The song then wriggles into a Storchian pizzicato, and Kaci continues a cooing, giggling intro until you pick up. Downside: People might assume you're easy; they might be right.
The Black Keys - Set You Free For: Southerners; shaggy-haired hipsters; people who get into arguments in bookstores. "Set You Free" is snare-snare-snare-pedal guitar, a thwomp of blues-rock that you'll wait to pick up on until Daniel Auerbach starts grunting the first few lines. Downside: You might want to cut off the hard-fill opening bar; it might scare folks.
Project Pat - Don't Call Me No Mo' - Make it every ex's number. Observe.
Aretha Franklin - Call Me For: Softies like me, people in long-distance relationships, music majors. "Call Me" is a fantastic song - Kanye jacked it for Slum Village a while back. Corrine Bailey Rae's 'Call Me When You Get This' is almost as good, but, c'mon, Aretha. The descending piano scale sets it off. Downside: Too wistful to be your main tone.
The Jags - Back Of My Hand - For: Anyone. One of the greatest lost hits of all time, the Jags combine The Cars' awkwardness with Elvis Costello's snarkiness. "You only call me when you're feelin' blue," the song opens. Listen until voicemail to catch 30 seconds of one of the best kiss-off songs ever. Download this one before any of the others.
Download The Jags - Back Of My Hand.m4a
Stereo Total - I Love You, Ono! - For: World travelers, people with videogame tattoos and brightly colored hair. Stereo Total are nuts. Half-French, Half-German, all bells, whistles, and shrieks. Downside: Like many of these, you wouldn't want this to go off in a meeting.
Download Stereo Total - I Love You, Ono!.m4a
Spank Rock - Far Left - For: The disgruntled, people who won't get fired over obscenities. The song begins: "I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck." It's beautiful rapid-fire youth. Downside: Vulgar.
Download Spank Rock - Far Left.m4a
Barry White - Love's Theme - For: Anyone who thinks they're silky like Barry; people who want to play instruments but can't. Barry directed the Love Unlimited Orchestra to this instrumental [!] #1 smash, and it begins with a whoosh of violin crescendo and as the mackin' maestro drops in wah-wah guitar, you might not be able to pick up. Downside: None.
Lucido Felice Quartet - The Thong Song - For: Anyone who hates classical ringtones, subsersive teens, people who will watch this. The Lucido Felice Quartet are from Milwaukee and rock out on a stealthily awesome classical version of The Dragon's one hit.