closer muzik


Don't recognize this scene? When were you born? 

I could watch Major League probably once a week forever. I have a clinical attachment to that movie, and much of it revolves around the badassery of Charlie Sheen as Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn. [He's on the right; Jesus, do I have to explain everything?] 'Wild Thing' was so over he inspired Mitch Williams to rip him off for the most incredible closer music ever, X's version of The Trogg's "Wild Thing". [X probably deserve their own post.]

The criteria for a beastin' out-the-pen-shutdown tune?

+ First few bars have to hook and reel in immediately.

+ Can't be too smart. Lean towards dumb and hype.

+ Badass, assertive lyricism and delivery [if there's vocals]. You can't be going out there to Phil Collins - it'll take movement off your fastball. 

Here's my top 10 songs I'd love to charge out of the bullpen to:

10.  Ebony Eyez - In Ya Face "Now this the part where we break it down, gwan break it down, jut break it down" is really just sauce. The four note synth intro with the whoops would be enough for me. Fuck what you heard, the Trackboyz need a vanity label. Or at least a bigger wikipedia entry.

9. The Time - Jungle Love - I think maybe I'm giving Morris Day too much credit here - the song isn't that hype. But it sure is dumb fun. I'd come out with a bench coach and then we could do a synchronized dance and he could hold up a mirror so I could check my cap brim. The link is to one of those tardcart Kevin Smith films, but you get the idea.

8.  The Gits - Second Skin - You can take all the "rock" singers in the world and shove 'em. I'll take Mia Zapata. Think Kurt Cobain with more soul. Also, I'm the only critic on earf who likes this documentary. I thought it was great. 

The almighty Gits

7. The Go! Team - The Power Is OnOnly reason this isn't higher is because I suspect myself of favoritism. I actually slow down and start picturing myself as Bullitt when this comes on. If I ever shoot a movie [again], this will be going with some slow-motion badass walking. Good rule of thumb: If you would look awesome looking coolly from side to side at 60% speed, then it's probably good to close a game. Great first few bars, too.

6. Parliament - Flashlight - This is a one-two-three ninth of funk.

5. Guitar Shorty - Old School - I like this for the same reason I liked 'Wild Thing' in Major League and even tolerated 'Bad To The Bone' as Jay Buhner's at-bat music. It's Chevy truck music; blustering blues that sounds damn good. [Of course, Id rather roll the Toyota Tundra, but Shorty could sell me a friggin' Geo.]

4. Mudhoney - Touch Me I'm Sick - If I were on the Mariners, this might move up to number 2. Mark Arm got that scream for you. Of course, you'd have to edit the f-bombs, but the crank of the rhythm section is honestly more than enough.

3. Hardknox - Fire Like This - You probably know it from Me, Myself and Irene. It's the drum break that unhinges Jim Carrey's character. Probably the best beginning on the whole list. dit-duh-duh-dit-duh-duh-dit-duh-duh-dit ^ infinity.

2. Obie Trice - Cry Now Those horns are the sounds of hitters being frozen by outside-corner heat. "Cry Now" is an excellent command to impart to your future victims, and I fully support it. Obie tears this down, too; my favorite single that got lost in the shuffle last year.

1. The Gossip - Listen Up! - Oh. Man. Fuhgeddaboutit. Beth Ditto would probably be a great relief pitcher. That bassline is what The White Stripes thought 'Seven Nation Army''s bassline was. Just gnarly. Not as gnarly as the dude below's stuff, but yeah. This is what I'd trudge out of the bullpen to. I'd finish my warmups right at the bridge, and then I'd nail the first batter square in the back. Then I'd strike out the next however many guys and point at them Charlie Sheen-style. Maybe the Royals could use me.