they call me whip-a-lish-is: the ten worst songs i like

 

I am just ashamed of how much I like number 3 on this list, where the title comes from [Gorilla Zoe = best lyricist of our time]. Most of these were popular yet horrible.

See, I have no problem with admitting I like bad music. However, I try to always know when the shit I'm listening to is shit. You won't see me confusing Get Rich Or Die Trying with a bunch of classic albums.  [Not that Khaled or Fat Joe should be up there either.]

10.  Mandy Moore - Walk Me Home - I'm a simple, simple fool sometimes. I have a never-dying crush on Mandy Moore [I purposely haven't seen her in any movies, lest I end up owning A Walk To Remember or some shit]. And this song is bad. It really is. But I really like it. Probably because she's incredibly attractive. It's the 'Lovefool' principle. [Henry Rollins on 'Lovefool', approximately: 'There's a pretty girl, begging you to love her...and when does that ever happen in your sad pathetic little life? Never.'] Bizarrely, Mandy is not super-on-fire hot in that video.

Fixed. [semi-NWS] 

9.  Bubba Sparxxx ft. Ying Yang Twins - Ms. New Booty - There's not a single defensible thing about this song. And I'm a stupid-huge Deliverance fan, so I know how much better ol' Walter Mathis can be. But I like it. [sigh] I probably know all the words. Not that there are many.

8. SoulDecision -  Faded - Jesus Christ on a caribou, this list is incriminating. Imagine WHAM! but less credible.

souldeez.jpg 

 7. All-American Rejects - Move Along - This is actually not all that trite within what passes for - what is this genre? - alterna-rock nowadays, but it's still fucking ridiculous and kind of an affront to dudes who could do this all day but just don't feel like it. The part at ~2:30 is just ridonkulous. In a bad way. Yet this is on one of my playlists. Swear to God. I know it's bad, I just can't help it. [Also, 'Swing Swing' is a fantastic song.]

6. Will Smith - Miami - Back when all my other classmates were listening to, um, Silkk the Shocker, I was a really big closeted Will Smith fan. Like seventh grade. I'm not even going to link to this one because it's so embarrassing, but if it came on at a party, I'd probably be doing one of my two moves out there on the 'floor', while everyone stared at me. It's the WillSmithFormula at work: simple flow, no [good] metaphors, gorgeous but egregious sample. In this case, The Whispers' "And The Beat Goes On".

 5. Kelly Clarkson - Walk Away - 'Since U Been Gone' is actually the joint. This is not. I think I like it because the video shows a bunch of unabashedly dorky people getting super dorky to it, and it creates this forde field of dorkiness that I can't help but join. It's still pap tho.

4. Notorious B.I.G. ft. Ma$e and Puffy - Mo' Money Mo' Problems - This is, as far as I can tell, the worst song Big was ever involved in [before Diddy got real necro with Born Again].  In retrospect, the sample isn't even flipped that well. It's probably only this high up because some people think it's great [!] and representative of Biggie's career [!!]

3. Yung Joc ft. Gorilla Zoe - Coffee Shop - AUUUGH. I LOVE IT. I listened to it like four times in a row in an effort not to like it the other day. I still like it. And look at Joc getting his Eddie Murphy on all over this vid.

 

 

2. Cassidy ft. Mashonda - Get No Better - There has never in the history of rap been a more retarded album than Cassidy's Split Personality, where he decided instead of making an album full of bangers with a few crossover attempts, he would pretend to be three different people. This is the poppy/poopy one. [The other one will 'feed you to your seed like baby food'. Yeesh.] And yet, Swizz Beatz and wifey Mashonda make this catchy like herpes. God, this is a bad song. I probably play this once a week.

1.  Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend - This was on, and I was humming along like I always do, and then I started to listen to the individual instruments. Mistaaaake. This is really really irredeemable, so I'll turn it off whenever you request. No way, no way, think you need a new one... Also, there's no way, no way I'm linking to this. You will like it or hate it. And if you haven't heard it already, I will not be the one to introduce it to you. Whatever it is, it ain't good.