r.i.p. bill simmons

I'm gonna keep this short, because he's already been ethered by much of the blogosphere.

But Bill Simmons has eaten himself. I read his book last week. Ugh. Simmons was and is a cultural force, a pioneer in sportswriting, but now he's just the insufferable Boston fan we all know, writing a local column with increasingly unfunny pop-culture references to a national audience. It's brutal.

This is from the last Simmons column I read until the Patriots are under .500.

The G-Men remind me of the classic "Seinfeld" episode in which George loses his glasses and bites into an onion that he thought was an apple, but somehow notices a dime on the floor from 25 feet away and picks it up, leading to this exchange in Jerry's apartment after George keeps claiming to have seen Jerry's cousin kissing his girlfriend:

-- ELAINE: "He couldn't tell an apple from an onion and he's your eyewitness?"

-- GEORGE (still eating the onion): "I saw them making out, you can believe it!"

-- JERRY (snapping): "I don't know what to believe! You're eating onions, you're spotting dimes, I don't know what the hell is going on!"

This dude is in his [reader's] own invention: "I'm Keith Hernandez!" territory. Okay, pop culture reference. Way too long, not particularly funny, really irrelevant. If you have to resort to the script to illustrate why it's funny, it's not funny. Simmons forgot this four years ago.

He's one of the reasons I became a sportswriter in high school, and his original 'Boston Sports Guy' column was the blueprint for a lot of stuff I did. But there are dozens of blogs that do him better than he does him, and hundreds that are just better. So, Bill, keep on getting that ESPN yaper and sucking off the Sox on your crappy podcast, because you're dead to me.

Here's a really buckled picture of him.

bill%20simmons.JPG 

Haha, while checking KSK for the post linked above, I found this, wrecking his wife [who I find better than him at this point].