Apologies in advance, because it's about to get a little crunk + disorderly in here. i.e., don't be mad cuz I'm hatin', join in the celebration.
But when did R&B singers start looking like Smif N Wessun? Half the cats out now aren't even cleaning up, much less cleaning up nice.
I was having breakfast last weekend with some Goucher girls and in the inevitable music review, only the inimitable Tyrese was presented as being foine. Or even close to it. And these ladies aren't super-stuck-up either, it's just...they ain't turnin' out R+B cuties like they used to. Shit, I look better than some of these himbos.
My theory is that if there's any damn genre where the artist should be attractive, it's R+B. Britney Spears got a bunch of plaques, so it's not about range or songwriting, I promise you. So, why isn't the corporate machine giving us pretty people? I dunno. I guess they're focusing more on talent and assuming that Photoshop and creative video angles will turn ehh into gold. I think most of the buckled R+B cats throughout history were putting in work with the pen. Now, I'm thinking it might be a good career option.
Here's 5 for the books (For these purposes, an R+B singer is someone who has their shit written for them half the time; so you're home free, musiq.)
J. Holiday. This dude just snuck in [he's not all that bad] because I had this conversation at breakfast that went something like: "He only shows one side." "He only has one good side." "And he knows it!" Peals of laughter. All jokes aside, the D.C. dude has an excellent voice. I'm envious. His album's called Back Of My 'Lac Lac' (wtf, isn't it an abbreviation for Cadillac? Does Capitol not have a grammar person?) though. I don't know what kind of sensitive-thug shit he's rollin' on, but I don't really appreciate it.
Usher. Usher has always been buckled and his ex-con fiance is looking Reggie Hammond too. Also, dude has the chops of...
Ray J. Guuuhhhh. How did he get so far? Once vaguely cute, Brandy's little brotheris really only famous 'cause he's has had sex with Kim Kardashian on video [NWS eventually, I'm sure], who I honestly would find attractive if, she wasn't, y'know, Kim Kardashian. And now he's got a book coming out called Sex Machine. He must have one hell of a personality cuz dude looks like a way-in-the back extra on Moesha - and he sure as heck isn't serenading any panties off.
Trey Songs Songz. Everytime I see a Trey Songz video, it reminds me to give Meerkat Manor a look-see one of these days. Don't these mofos have stylists?
Chris Brown. I like Chris Brown. I like him a lot. But twenty-five years ago, we would have been grooving to this guy (pre-Photoshop, no less!) and...just...damn homie. I hope he's not dressing himself. Fire somebody, cuz!
And keep in mind these tricks are posing - well, except for Usher; I wanted to show 'Meka. Imagine what they look like in real life.
Again, three of these five guys make good music, but I was feelin' for the ladies on Sunday. Where the fine R+B boys at?
And yeah, I can write this stuff without any of that 'no homo' rhetoric. Secure in my sexuality. Also you could find pics of me in drag right quick.